I have been so angry over the last few days. It feels cathartic and vulnerable to say that out loud. It’s uncertain whether fear or anger came first but they are present and it’s important we talk about them.
I am angry.
Anger at injustice. Anger at polarization and partisanship. Anger at lies and cover ups and mistruths. Anger that we are forced to pick sides when there is opportunity for good everywhere. Anger that my my Mother hasn’t been able to meet her grandson who is now 9 weeks old. Anger that my six year old misses his friends and subsequently knows how to take a facetime call on one screen and a zoom call on another so he can have virtual playdates. Anger at…
Anger shows up not just in the expected places but the surprising ones too. It’s all around us.
I see it and I notice it and it sits in my belly and causes me to turn to things like hurried tweets and Instagram posts to appease my soul for justice, albeit temporarily. The anger must go somewhere.
And just when the anger reaches it crescendo, there is someone on the other side of <insert issue here> that tells me I should be quiet, or I am not in line with the Christianity I identify with, or I shouldn’t be so angry to begin with because I have so much to be thankful for.
And then I get angry all over again.
The anger has nowhere to go, it’s an endless loop and we as a nation are spewing the ramifications of that anger when what we really need is permission to grieve. But in order to grieve well, we must be validated in the anger to begin with. Anger with nowhere to go fuels the flame of hatred. But anger that is validated, anger that is listened to and understood and cared for? That anger gives way to grief and processed grief gives way to healing.
However, you can’t rush this process.
When I was a young therapist and clients would tell me about the atrocious abuse they endured or the relentless bullying they were subject to, or the divorce from their childhood or whatever it was that brought them to counseling, their anger was palpable. It permeated the room and to be honest, it can be scary. Anger with no point of orientation rattles around our soul unhinged like a wayward pinball. As a society, we are conditioned to make it stop (and to do so quickly) when in reality we must address the inner workings of the game itself. What is at the source of the problem or pain?
Once we understand that the source of anger is often unresolved grief then we know that the anger isn’t bad in and of itself.
In fact it is necessary to guide us to where the real pain lies.
As I grew in my therapeutic practice and knowledge, I was able to expand my capacity for anger in the room. My increased capacity led to my ability to hold the space for the anger when it got too big for my client. You see, anger can be very scary. We don’t like the way it feels to have rage coursing through our bodies. It’s uncomfortable physically and emotionally and when untreated can lead to all sorts of chronic underlying painful conditions.
But, the anger is a clue.
It is there for a reason. It does not exist in a vacuum and, perhaps more profound, in our biological exquisiteness our brain has the ability to process both the anger that manifests in the amygdala and the understanding of that anger in the pre-frontal cortex. When these two work together, often with the help of a trusted therapist, the anger is understood and therefore more manageable. The grief that follows then allows us to have compassion on ourself and others, which in turn is much more accepted and understood then the manifestation of the anger. But, you have to address the anger slowly and carefully and with deep compassion in order to get to the heart of the issue.
First, we must recognize that America is angry.
Then we have to validate that anger.
Next we have to give permission to each other to be angry.
And then we must grieve together.
The truth of the matter is that our pre-frontal cortex just isn’t ready to make meaning of the anger. We need to let our amygdala do the work of allowing that anger the space it needs before we start telling it how to behave.
What does it look like to give space to that anger? Validate it’s existence.
We were sold minimized truths on the manifestation of a global pandemic only to see almost a quarter of a million of our neighbors and coworkers die.
We were told to social distance and quarantine for weeks only to have those weeks turn to months with dire economic results and the social ramifications of isolation leading to some of the highest numbers of depression and suicide in recent years.
We asked our children to give up rhythm and routine. For some, to give up the only safe place they know and the only meal the will receive for the day for who knows how long and at what cost.
We battled countless losses as a nation and we were willing to do so in the face of great adversity but our President didn’t lead by example. We were left to make the decisions on our own and while we are doing so with great resilience it came at a cost that the President himself now faces. And the fact that he is now being treated for a virus that he originally downplayed significantly makes us angry.
And that anger is valid.
Here is the thing about growth though. Growth doesn’t stop with validation. It acknowledges it’s importance and then decides that we can be resilient without wanted change or admission of guilt or even justice being served. We can grow and mature not simply because our anger was validated and someone got what they deserved but in spite of that potentially not happening we grow because we grieved what could have been.
We grieve that we had to figure it out on our own and in doing so realized that we were much more resilient then we ever thought possible.