“Every heart has so much history, it’s my favorite place to start.”
One Year Later
We were there, in the midst of chaos and confusion and we are here in the midst of survival and surrender. In the process we learned quite a bit more beyond the new vocabulary in our quarantine, zoom school learning. We learned that we were so much more capable of what we never could have imagined.
We were resilient and stunning in the midst of a global pandemic that will forever define this generation.
Hey America, That Anger you are feeling right now? It’s actually Grief.
I have been so angry over the last few days. It feels cathartic and vulnerable to say that out loud. It’s uncertain whether fear or anger came first but they are present and it’s important we talk about them.
I am angry.
Under Pressure
However the coping mechanisms were manifested, and there are LOTS of ways: some socially acceptable (and even praised) and some not acceptable, they always developed out of an unmet need. They may look like: perfectionism, always saying yes or downplaying your needs for the sake of others, perfect grades, exercise and eating disorders, a need for extreme control, or maybe the other end of the spectrum of behaviors like adrenaline hunts like shoplifting or drugs, sex, substance abuse, the list goes on and on. Remember, there was a need, most likely that went unmet with a primary early caregiver and the coping mechanism developed (even later on in life) as a means to get away from whatever the trauma was.
Overflowing Oatmeal and Gracious Grief
After my oatmeal exploded (and my tears), I got myself a fresh version of breakfast and spent the rest of the day leaning into the sorrow instead of denying that it was there. I especially told myself that it was allowed. It made sense for me. I did NOT need to feel bad for feeling sorrow. I allowed the children to watch a movie, I took a nap. I didn’t make myself crazy attending every zoom meeting that was (lovingly and well intentioned) scheduled for the various organizations that our family could take part in.
I gave myself permission to grieve.
And today, my grief needed permission to rest.
Weighing in on what it means to Weigh In
Yesterday, Hoda and Jenna of the famed morning show, The Today Show, weighed themselves on live TV in a segment intended to highlight the benefits of intermittent fasting. The idea being that if the intermittent fasting works, they will drop weight…” along with other health benefits…” “We aren’t doing it for the weight loss, Jenna quipped as she walked to the scale to then compare weighing herself to jumping off a cliff.
The First Appointment
The first time I sat in a therapist’s office I was 15. I can’t remember if I requested to be there, but I do remember being excited for the appointment. I knew enough to know that I loved talking about myself (what 15-year-old doesn’t?!) and if I got to talk about myself for an hour while some old guy asked me questions then I was all in. But I also needed help, advice. More than anything I needed hope.
The Other Side of the Couch
The first time I sat with a client I was petrified.
I was barely 25, at the end of my graduate school experience in my practicum and I was slated to do six sessions of pre-marital counseling with a newly engaged couple. There was a workbook we were going to use so I was just there to be their guide and help with communication techniques as they worked through any confusion or conflict that might emerge.
Mean Girls
I do a lot of speaking to high school and college age students and a few years ago as I was speaking to a group of college women without even thinking I said, “I don’t know that I would be here today if social media existed when I was in high school.” I was taken aback at my own statement, but I believe it could be true.
Kids were brutal to my face, I can’t imagine if they could have done it behind a computer screen.
Big T, Little T, Trauma Starts with T
When I was a young professional, I was naïve to think that trauma was exclusive to sexual abuse, abandonment, and deep dysfunctional families marred by drug use, addiction and neglect. The Hollywood version of trauma. If you aren’t in the trenches of the helping industry, you might think this of trauma as well. Really though trauma is everywhere because trauma isn’t so much about the incident but the perception of the victim to the specific incident. Of course, understanding the incident is necessary but the same event can affect two different people in two very different ways and that is what makes understanding and treating trauma so complex.
On Learning to Like Me
College was a true refuge. But for a girl who may no longer look like someone with deep insecurities I certainly had them. A search for significance was deeply embedded into my soul and I was willing to find the fastest way to happiness, which if you have ever been around a college student is most often found in a red solo cup. I was ready to party (even though I didn’t drink), get a boyfriend (even though I had just received my first kiss weeks before at a summer camp) and be popular (again zero experience in this department) so I had a big game mentality with backyard game talk. However, the recipe for the girls in high school that were brutal to me was boys + party = popularity so why couldn’t it work for me now?
Green Eyes Baby
And at that moment, in the quiet of the night after an exhilarating day,
I learned something new.
At 25 years old I discovered that I had green eyes.
On Understanding Anxiety
I was doing laundry the first time my anxiety storm hit. There weren’t any signs and we were both caught extremely off guard. Keith was about to take his first trip after we had been married (maybe about 6 months at that point) and I would be alone for a few days. I didn’t know what was happening to me…but it turns out that most people don’t when anxiety hits for the very first time.
Good Therapy
I reflect back often on that season of therapy. There were numerous lessons learned in both his content and his character. I built a safe alliance. I felt valued and heard. I was supported and validated, and my story was contained in a way that communicated I was worth listening to. The insight that I gained is something that I still rely on even today. I am so thankful for that experience and hope to emulate that for my clients now.