Let’s talk about coping mechanisms: what they are, how they got there and why we actually needed them for a season.
When we truly start to understand coping mechanisms, we begin to understand that they are simply the tip of the iceberg when it comes to someone’s personality. They are simply behaviors created over years and years of trauma and a search for some sense of normalcy and stability. The fact that our bodies have ways to adapt is kind of miraculous in and of itself and that’s why it’s so important to not shame the person or the behavior but seek to understand how it got there in the first place.
As an aside, I have unfortunately been on the receiving end of shame and condemnation for my own methods of coping early on in my journey and it’s awful and confusing and painful. If someone is trying to help you with ONLY behavior change, it likely won’t be lasting and it could even be more traumatic or harmful in the long run.
However the coping mechanisms were manifested, and there are LOTS of ways: some socially acceptable (and even praised) and some not acceptable, they always developed out of an unmet need. They may look like: perfectionism, always saying yes or downplaying your needs for the sake of others, perfect grades, exercise and eating disorders, a need for extreme control, or maybe the other end of the spectrum of behaviors like adrenaline hunts like shoplifting or drugs, sex, substance abuse, the list goes on and on.
Remember, there was a need, most likely that went unmet with a primary early caregiver, and the coping mechanism developed (even later on in life) as a means to get away from whatever the trauma was.
They became the very thing that kept us safe…until they stopped working…
Those coping mechanisms were there FOR A REASON. That’s why we don’t shame them (or ourselves) for having them. They really did once help us. BUT now, they are keeping us STUCK. When, we begin to recognize that those coping mechanisms evolved into an overall state of being that put our nervous system over threshold, likely constantly bouncing back and forth between fight and flight mentalities and in a state of intensity all the time we recognize that we are only adding to our trauma. That constant surge of adrenaline and cortisol and other stress hormones sends our bodies into all sorts of states of disorganization- depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse addictions and then underlying health issues like chronic fatigue, auto immune disorders, and so much more. Ultimately it’s a miserable and uncomfortable place to live.
Our bodies weren’t meant to constantly be in this state but until we are at a point where we can realize what is happening the intensity feels more secure than the growth. We grew accustomed to intensity as a survival mechanism and it felt secure, now we have recognize that it’s actually not secure at all. It’s just a false sense of security. What is secure is a state of homeostasis that our bodies were made for. And, one that we can create ourselves- through good therapeutic work, seeking to understand all of the good in our stories and working to maintain emotional stability through various techniques.
The fight or flight and intense circumstances will surely come but we don’t live there. And that’s when growth takes place- when we give up our old ways of DOING in transition for states of BEING, in the moment, not future or fear based or past or regret based but right now, orienting to the here and now and practicing the presence.
Friends, this is hard and long work, but I am confident that with knowledge comes the power to change, so why not take the first step to explore what your coping mechanisms are and how they once helped you? Then, you can build your capacity to perhaps let them go.